Dear Diary #2

I wanna catch you all up (I also want to just write it out so I can remember) on the last 3.5 months of my life…. but I may go back a WEE bit further first.

Let’s jump all the way back to October 2019. I can’t remember the exact day but I took a cheap dollar store test and well obviously it was positive so course I called the doctor IMMEDIATELY. We find out it was only one baby (HALLELUJAH) and it looked like a perfect little teddy graham 💕 At that point in my pregnancy I was scared..ALL. THE. TIME. And then when we finally told everyone I just got more scared because everyone was telling me all the scary things about pregnancy. No one told me ANYTHING good. I contemplated ending the pregnancy. I contemplated giving the baby up. It was not a good time at all.

The fear started to disappear a little bit when we found out that she was a girl!! Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with having a little boy. But for me.. I don’t know why but I was terrified of having a little boy.

I didn’t feel in love with my belly. I didn’t feel in love with the little life inside of me. I thought something was wrong with me honestly. I knew I did love her. I knew I’d do anything to protect her. There were days where for something ALL I wanted was to just hold my baby but most days I was fine waiting and I definitely enjoyed my sleep.

Most of my pregnancy was under lockdown which was a blessing and a curse. It was wonderful because I never had to do ANYTHING I got to relax pretty much all the time and I’m so grateful for that time. Plus my husband was off work for a bit so I got to spend LOTS of time with him and it was GLORIOUS. The bad side though was BAD. I’m an introvert. I really don’t need much human contact but being told I can’t hug my grandma (which was the number 1 thing that was stressing me out)? I wasn’t supposed to go to grocery stores. Couldn’t have a baby shower. When my husband did go back to work, I was alone all the time because it’s not like anyone could come over.

I think over all I had a pretty good pregnancy though. I didn’t get morning sickness till week 7 and it lasted all through the first trimester but I would throw up once and be fine the rest of the day. I will say though I was very frustrated when the third trimester hit and it felt like the first all over again.

My due date was June 26th 2020 and my beautiful perfect angel girl was born June 18th 2020. My next post will be about my birth if you are interested in that!

Talk to you soon!


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