Dear Diary #3.5

Helllloooo!! Are you ready!?

Let’s talk birth. ⚠️Warning I’m gonna tell you EVERYTHING ⚠️

Okay let’s start Wednesday June 17 2020. I woke up around 6 because I SERIOUSLY needed to pee. When I wiped I noticed a large amount of discharge (🤮sorry I hate that word too). I realized my mucus plug finally came out and I was STOKEDDDDD!!! I had heard from people that once their mucus plug came out they had their baby within days. I had also heard that some women lose their plug same day as they give birth. Still there were also some women who lose theirs and go another 2 weeks. I was HOPING I’d be the lucky one who has the baby quickly.

After that happened I texted EVERYONE😂 I was so excited and then I called my hubby (he was at work) and he was like “uhh so do I need to come home now?” Of course I told him no but just to be prepared. He told his boss and his boss told him to not even bother coming back to work the next day because the baby could be here at anytime. Boy was he right!

I tried going back to sleep after that BUUUUT I started having contractions! 😬😬 They pretty much felt like light cramps (I have endo so light cramp for me are still pretty bad).

I spent the rest of the day having light contractions on and off. Eventually the contractions stopped and I tried bouncing on a yoga ball to get them to start again which didn’t work.

We went to bed that night thinking that I wouldn’t be giving birth for a few more days. 😬😬😬

I woke up at about 6 am on June 18th 2020 to some intense contractions. With every contraction I threw up. ✌🏻 Joe was still sleeping so I called my grandma to ask her what to do because I thought I was being a whimp and if I went to the hospital they’d just send me home. She convinced me to go so atleast maybe they could help with the throwing up.

I woke up a very grumpy husband and told him it’s time to go. (He was grumpy until about an hour after we got to the hospital.) we were all checked in by about 8:45 am. The nurse who took me to my room was treating me like they were going to send me home and she was rude acting like I was being a whimp.

Well the nurse checks my cervix and walks out of the room to yell towards the nurses station “I was wrong. She’s at a 6 and her water is bulging!”

By this point it’s all systems GOOO! Everyone is in my room getting blood, asking me to sign stuff, etc. Then my favorite part comes. THE EPIDURAL 😭❤️ I was terrified but I genuinely didn’t feel a thing when he was putting it in.

After about 10-15 minutes the doctor comes in to check me and break my water. Wellll she didn’t have to do a thing because I was at a 10 and my water had broken on it’s own but I didn’t know because of the epidural✌🏻🤷🏼‍♀️

At this point I genuinely don’t know how it happened so fast but they got me in the stirrups and I pushed my little girl out in about 15-20 minutes.

My sweet Oswin made her debut at 12:39 pm on June 18th 2020. Weight 7 lbs 4 oz and was 20 inches long. I cried a lot but not just from love but from fear. I was terrified.

As the day progressed, Joe and I just spent the time cuddling with our girl. We tried breastfeeding and that SUCKED because Oswin couldn’t latch properly but atleast she got some colostrum with she then spit up while laying in the plastic bassinet thing which freaked me out and I don’t think I put her back down after that point.


Around 11:45 that night I finally got up to pee and blood just started pouring out of me. So I calmly had Joe get a nurse who help me clean up (poor women was SUPER preggo too) and get changed but when I went to get new socks, it happened again. So at this point the nurse is like “uhm I’m gonna go get another nurse… and a doctor” 😭

Joe and I are trying not to freak out but the blood just wouldn’t stop. So the doctor and both nurses come in and they hooked my iv up to some drugs to help slow the bleeding, the gave me a shot in the thigh, and the worst part is that they had to push HARD on my stomach to try to get it all out and they pulled the FATTEST clot out. Like bigger than a guinea pig. It was gross but it slowed down the bleeding so that’s good.

After that point the night is pretty uneventful. I of course couldn’t sleep much but I think Joe got a decent snooze. We chose to go home the next day even though we totally could’ve stayed another night because my iron was low and Oswin was a little jaundice. 🤦🏼‍♀️ we regretted that decision the second we got Os in the car. We probably cried the entire way home because we were so scared.

The next few weeks were of course VERY hard but something I wasn’t prepared for was this really weird anxiety I would get WHENEVER my milk let down. It would only last about 5 minutes but the SECOND my milk let down it was instant anxiety.

I went to pumping pretty quickly after giving birth because like I said, she wasn’t latching properly and everytime I would try to breastfeed it just ended in both of us crying and blood on my daughters face because my nipples were bleeding so badly. Around Oswin’s 4 month mark my milk supply dropped out of nowhere so I kept trying to pump but it was useless so we switched to formula.

I see all these moms breastfeed past a year old and it makes me feel like shit. I could even do 6 months. If any new mommas are reading this PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t ever feel bad about doing what is best for YOUR family and what works best for you and your baby. Yes of course breastmilk is “best” but everyone talks about how breastfeeding is this huge bonding moment with your baby and I don’t get it. I bonded more with Os when she was drinking from a bottle because actually getting my nipple in her mouth was a horrendous experience. If you can’t produce enough milk formula is GREAT. If you just don’t want to breastfeed at all that GREAT!

I was SO stressed because I had so many different opinions flying at me and I didn’t know what to do. So what should have been a beautiful experience for Joe, Os, and I bonding as a family and figuring stuff instead was filled with stress, confusion, hatred, and more.

Now to end this post I’m gonna be 100% honest. I love my daughter with my entire heart and soul. She truly is the coolest thing ever. However. Parenting sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I wouldn’t give up my child for anything. But good god parenting SUCKSSSSSSS

Thanks for reading my post 💕. Hopefully I’ll talk to you all soon.

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