Dear Diary #3

Well I started writing my birth story close to a year ago 🤦🏼‍♀️ …. Oops.

Before I finish writing that I figured I should update on my life. I’m gonna be straight up honest on all the shit that has happened.

First of all I have a one year old now which is WILD. The last year has felt like it’s lasted 10 years but it also feels like I just gave birth 5 minutes ago….

Sooo where to begin? In the last year I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and adhd. All that is on top of the PTSD diagnosis I got in 2017. I am MISERABLE. I want to die almost daily but I wouldn’t hurt myself. I feel like my soul is dying.

We moved in with my in-laws in a tiny ass trailer because we are super broke which is fun. I hate nearly everything about my life. I applied to college. And when my husbands stepfather hears about it he started asking “so have you found an apartment yet?! When are you leaving?!” Sooo that was a bust because the college is near them and I have no one to watch my kid because they won’t help and daycare is too fucking expensive. Feels like our “friends” looks down on us when they literally have almost everything they have for free from family. I’m tired so fucking hard to make money and be able to have what everyone else has. I’m looked fucking down on because I’m at home with Oswin. I am the problem 100% of the time. Everything is my fault. It’s always on me and I’m TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

I just want people to be proud of me. I want people to want to celebrate me.

I had a shit wedding. A shit reception and to be completely honest a SHIT proposal. I had a bridal shower full of old Mormon ladies. I never had a bachelorette party. I never had a baby shower.

I’m about to sound VERY entitled but I feel like I deserve to have those special moments with all the shit I’ve gone through but all the shit just keeps piling up and it’s feels like there is no way out and I can’t breathe.

My daughter is lovely and honestly a great little girl. My husband is wonderful besides his few issues. I know I have everything I need but it’s really fucking hard to watch everyone else get their dream ring, wedding, dress, life, or whatever especially when they’ve NEVER suffered and they’ve been literally handed EVERYTHING.

Nothing I dreamed about as a little girl has happened. When I was waiting for someone to come save me nobody did. Nothing good seems to happen for me (yes I know people have it worse but this is how I’m feeling)

I missed out on so many fun memories because I wanted to plan stuff but everyone told me “someone else is supposed to plan that for you” but apparently I have NO ONE around me willing to plan anything for me.

I’m sorry this post is so pathetic and whiny. I’m sorry I sound so entitled.

I just feel like I’m a decent human being who should atleast have one of her dreams come true but that isn’t happening for me. I’m so tired. I’m tired of fake people, Spoiled people, fake friends. Im tired of lying and pretending to save “friendships”

All this doesn’t help with that fact that I feel like a TERRIBLE mom 99.7% of the time.

Hopefully I’ll make another post soon. I just needed to vent. Im sorry.

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